The Love Letter Technique (TCA) is a universal technique for working with emotions , as it can be used to improve relationships that are important to you or as part of self-therapy, to improve your own well-being, organize your emotions , reconcile with something that has happened or close a certain important cycle in your life.

You can write this letter to your partner / spouse, ex-partner, parents, siblings, children, friends or colleagues.

Validation of emotions

In the Love Letter Technique, dealing with emotions is valued. You will focus on your feelings and expressions and therefore help heal emotional wounds. This practice prevents the harmful effects of the suppression of emotions, since it allows you to speak them, organize them, and respect them, that is, pay them as much attention as possible.

Ultimately, ED allows you to reduce the intensity of unpleasant and complicated emotions: it simply helps us deal with and manage them, not run away from them, suppress them, pretend that nothing happened, that nothing hurts us, that we are about to on top of the situation.

The purpose of the Love Letters is to name and discharge all the negative feelings that do not allow you to experience love and share it.

Some people have already tried writing letters to their partners or parents, but most of the time they write in them not about their own emotions, but about the things that happened. They try to explain, to show who is right, who made a mistake.

But the Love Letter Technique is different, because it is characterized by focusing on your own emotions . At TCA, first of all, you want to honestly and openly express how you feel about someone else’s unpleasant, painful, or harmful behavior.

The Love Letter technique is also useful when a person close to you, towards whom unpleasant emotions have arisen, is not within your reach, because, for example, he has left, is overworked, does not want to or cannot talk to you, or doesn’t even want to keep in touch with you.

Structure of love letters

The TCA is built with several stages. In each of them, you will describe the emotions using self-writing messages. First of all, there are four levels of expression of unpleasant emotions : we start with anger that is more visible and covers other deeper emotions.

Then we go through resentment, fear, and regret. In the fifth stage, express your expectations in the form of requests: how you would like the person to treat you or how you would like your relationship to look in the future. End the letter with the sixth stage: the expression of pleasant emotions and forgiveness (or at least the intention to forgive).

  • I. Anger and blaming others
  • II. Pain and sadness
  • III. Fear and insecurity
  • IV. Remorse and sense of responsibility.
  • V. Intentions and wishes
  • SAW. Love, forgiveness, understanding and appreciation

You can refer to all these stages also from the perspective of the past ; something you once felt, for example, “I felt angry when …”, “Sorry about when …”. So, the emotions described do not only concern the present moment. You can also list things from the past.

In addition, you will be able to show how your emotions have changed over time, for example, at first, a behavior of your partner made you angry and now you are sad.

Referencing past experiences is also important in point five, where you can describe your dreams, expectations or wishes that you had for the recipient in the past, which have not been fulfilled or realized, and are associated with your feelings of loss, regret or disappointment.

Tips for writing love letters

When writing a letter in accordance with the TCA, it is best to include one specific problem, at most two . However, there are situations, for example, after breaking up with your partner, in which you will want to describe everything that happened between you, what contributed to your differences and your final separation.

However, when you want to write to your current partner, try to write about only one problem in the letter, for example, the current problem between you. Subsequent lists can address other issues. The point is not to write “everything.”

Imagine a “clean up” letter in which one person writes to a partner about all the failures and difficulties in the relationship. It could be multiple pages! That would take too long! Therefore, it is better to write about one topic at a time.

You could also make sure the amount of text at each stage is similar. Because it will not be very encouraging and conciliatory that in the first stage, in which you describe your anger, you spread out half a page and in the last stage you close the letter with a single sentence.

It is best to write a letter from start to finish at once. It begins with the first stage, anger and ends with the sixth stage, love and forgiveness. Therefore, set aside enough time to be able to devote yourself to the letter in peace.

However, in case we want to get everything out and put in order all the problems that bother us, for example, after a separation, and when we do not intend to deliver this letter to the addressee, we can write a letter that will take us several consecutive nights. This is fine too!

It is important to include in this letter everything you feel so that you can feel relieved after writing it , a big “Ugh!” – The feeling that you have nothing more to add about it, that you have already exhausted everything on the subject.

So don’t over-analyze things, just write with your heart, let your feelings flow freely. Observe them, experience them and write them down.

Do not deviate from writing when you feel that a wave of emotions is flooding you, do not look for a cigarette or a drink, because you will suppress them. If necessary, take a moment to cry profusely or cry while writing. Do not hide anything, or minimize it .

Your task is to give voice to your emotions: they have the right to reveal themselves and exist in their entirety, exactly as you feel them!

Love letter plan

If you want to deliver this letter to the recipient, be sure to precede it with an introduction that expresses positive intentions: why you are writing it, why it is important for them to read it, for example, “I want you to understand my intentions”, “It is important to me that our better relationship ”,“ I wish I could be close to you again ”.

You can also warn that this letter will not be easy to read and ask the recipient to read it anyway. Expressing positive intentions early on can motivate the recipient to read your letter despite any fear or resentment they may have .

At each stage of the Love Letter Technique, you have some “clues” on how to express a certain level of emotion. You can lean on them or take complete liberty when writing, but it’s best not to skip any part of the letter (unless you don’t really feel it’s worth it). These sample sentences are also helpful if you get stuck while writing.

Other tips:

  • Don’t try to think rationally
  • Try to be precise
  • Do not explain or organize your feelings, express them
  • Don’t “edit” your feelings
  • When you feel numb or stuck, follow the suggestions above to complete the selected sentences

I. Anger and blaming others

Here you express all the anger, including your anger over things the recipient has done.

  • I can not stand that…
  • I hate when…
  • It makes me mad that …
  • It drives me crazy …
  • I don’t like the fact that …
  • I’m already tired of …
  • I’m disgusted with …
  • How dare you…

II. Pain and sadness

Write what hurts you, what makes you sad and what makes you feel sad.

  • It hurts when …
  • I’m sad when…
  • I feel terrible because …
  • I feel resentful because …
  • What disappoints me is …

III. Fear and insecurity

Here you express your anxiety, fear, what worries you regarding this relationship.

  • I’m worried that …
  • I’m afraid that …
  • I don’t want …

IV. Remorse and sense of responsibility.

Here you write about what you want to explain, why you want to apologize. What you think was inappropriate behavior on your part. Or you can explain to the recipient the reasons for those words or actions that could have hurt them, when it was not your intention.

  • I’m sorry for…
  • I apologize…
  • Please forgive me for …
  • It was not my intention that …

V. Intentions and wishes

Here you write about what matters to you: how you want your future relationships to work out. If the relationship has already ended or the letter refers to a past stage that will not happen again, for example, childhood, you can write about your unfulfilled dreams, unfulfilled plans, expectations towards the recipient and your relationship.

  • Please…
  • I wish that…
  • I wish…
  • I hope…

SAW. Love, forgiveness, understanding and appreciation

Express pleasant and positive emotions. Everything you like about the recipient, the things you appreciate them for, what you love. At this stage, it’s important to forgive the recipient for any unpleasant behavior that you referenced in the letter.

If you are not yet completely ready to forgive, express your intention to continue with this “I would like to forgive you” and trust that it will happen.

  • I love you… (because… when… because…)
  • Thanks for…
  • I am proud of you for …
  • I understand that …
  • I forgive you for …
  • I love when…
  • I really appreciate that…
  • I like when…
  • I’m happy that…
  • You really are …

After writing the love letter

Another important thing is to read the letter aloud after you have finished it. As you read it, you can imagine that the recipient is right next to you and listens carefully to everything (you could also put their photo in front of you). It is important that emotions are also expressed in words through the throat.

Sometimes reading a letter like this is even more exciting than just writing it. You can read this letter several times in the following days until you feel that the intensity of the unpleasant emotions has clearly diminished.

Sometimes, if the emotions you experience are very strong and unpleasant, so much so that they make you want to express them in a forceful and even vulgar way, it is best to write the letter only for yourself.

In this case, that your first letter is for you, and that it has no censorship! In this way when you write the next letter, that is, the one you would deliver to the recipient, it will be easier for you to write it in a respectful way, since these stronger emotions will have calmed down.

We shouldn’t add anything degrading or offensive to the recipient in the letter, just the truth about our feelings!

One more thing. You do not necessarily have to deliver this letter. If you are concerned that its content could be used against you, for example, in a court of law, you may consider only reading it to this person.

This letter can inspire a frank conversation, where everyone can express themselves, be heard and understood . Once again, it is good to remember that in this letter and during the possible conversation, it is important that you express yourself in a non-damaging, non-hostile and non-condemnatory way.

Benefits of writing a love letter

A letter written in this way helps you “mature” to be able to forgive, and be more prepared for the process that it entails. Because it is only after respecting and expressing our own feelings that we are truly ready to forgive someone.

It is not some superficial forgiveness that you give “because you have to”, but a real emotional transformation takes place in you.

By taking into account your version of events and expressing emotions, you are preparing to accept that the other party also has their point of view on the matter, has their own pain, and their behavior was caused by important needs and intentions.

Reading the letter to a loved one will help them better understand your emotional state and needs. In addition to being more understanding, this letter often deeply touches the other person and encourages their own emotional openness . This could strengthen your bond and cause you to find solutions to problems together.

If the letter is about people who have passed away, such as deceased partners or relatives, this will help you close a painful emotional cycle that is repeated in your memories . Say goodbye to that person peacefully – let that person and the past go. Thanks to this work on yourself, you will be able to live more in the here and now, not in what has already happened.

At the same time, because this letter reduces the intensity of your unpleasant emotions, after writing it it will be easier to work intellectually on important matters, for example, reflect on your own mistakes, the possibility of correcting them, ways of working on yourself.

In this card there is the possibility of releasing the accumulated tension related to emotions, trauma, emotional pain and feeling love again and wanting to be close to someone (if you are in a relationship) or love a human being (if you have finished a relationship) and most importantly: inner peace .

So it is also an emotional relief, although you have to work a bit (sure, it is not as easy as drinking), but it is real and healthy to deal with emotions by fully accepting and expressing them!

After writing this letter, emotional wounds heal, so peace and tranquility appear in us. It is easier to think in a balanced and rational way about the difficult experiences of the past, but also about what is happening in your life.

When you express unpleasant emotions, you will finally be able to feel comfortable with pleasant emotions, related both to that person and to life in general, with other people, other experiences.

In other words, the Love Letter Technique can be used to solve painful problems in your life related to other people. And it allows you to become a person without resentment, learn from your difficult experiences, and live in the here and now.

By Dr. Eric Jackson

Dr. Eric Jackson provides primary Internal Medicine care for men and women and treats patients with bone and mineral diseases, diabetes, heart conditions, and other chronic illnesses. He is a Washington University Bone Health Program physician and is a certified Bone Densitometrist. Dr. Avery is consistently recognized in "The Best Doctors in America" list.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *