We’ve all been there – you attend a family reunion with your kids, who are ready for the holidays and looking so adorable, and the aunts, uncles, and grandparents immediately come down with hugs and kisses. You know that everything comes from a place of love, but you also see that your children, who have taken refuge behind your leg, are overwhelmed by all the hands and lips that reach out to them. Well, there is a school of thought endorsed by parents who believe that you should never force your children to hug anyone.
When should a child learn about consent?
Most of us want our children to be kind and considerate, especially to family and other people who are important to us, so it’s tempting to convince them to give Grandpa the hug he so desires. But when we ignore our children’s instincts in these situations, what are we teaching them about consent?
Consent lets others know how we want them to interact with us and with our bodies. We often talk about it in the context of sexual situations, but it’s actually a skill we can use in any relationship. Helping our children learn to affirm their personal limits and respect those of others helps lay the foundation for creating healthy romantic and sexual relationships when they are older.
So if your kid doesn’t like people jumping into his personal bubble, that’s fine. Forcing your kids to do something they don’t want is counterproductive. Respect their reluctance to hug or kiss a family member.
Consent is a difficult lesson for parents to teach: we want to raise children with a sense of ownership over their own bodies, but at the same time, it is our responsibility to care for them while they are young, which sometimes means making decisions about their bodies. that they don’t want.
We may vaccinate our children, even if they hate needles. We may deny their request for candy for dinner, even though that is what they want. We can insist that they wear a helmet when riding a bike, even if they hate it. However, there are many situations in which children can practice consent, particularly when it comes to expressing affection and love.
Learn to say ‘no’
Sometimes people rush to hug or kiss a child without asking first. If your child isn’t comfortable with cuddling, suggest alternatives. Hand clapping, punching, waving, or just a funny “hello” are great ways to show kindness and respect without touching.
If your child is bold enough to say “no” on his own, that’s great! If they have trouble setting that limit, you can talk to your family or friends on your child’s behalf.
Talk to your child about how to say “no” to physical affection, especially from people we like, can be difficult at times. When we care about people, we don’t want to upset them or make them mad at us. Let your child know that sometimes people can be a little disappointed when we say “no” to them, but they will be fine. It’s not your child’s job to be uncomfortable so other people aren’t.
And the consent lesson goes both ways. Some children eagerly hug and kiss just about anyone they like. If your child is excited about affection, remind him to ask first, “Can I hug you?” Also, take some time to point out the physical signs of others.
If you notice that someone seems overwhelmed by your little one’s sociable screen, gently alert your child to what is happening. “Do you see how your little cousin is moving away? Let’s give it some space, shall we? “If they have a pet, teach your child to pay attention to their animal’s cues. Is your pet purring or wagging its tail as a sign that it is enjoying physical attention? Or are their ears pulled back? That is in the case of kittens, but they must observe any pet with whom he lives.
Consent allows us to express positive feelings toward others in a way that feels good to us and to them, which is the focal point of hugs, kisses, close-ups, and, someday, sex. Starting these lessons early will help children define boundaries and express themselves in their relationships now and for the rest of their lives.
7 reasons why you should never force your kids to hug anyone
These seven revealing reasons can help you understand the logic of the belief that forcing your children to hug someone can do more harm than good.
- Teach your child that they have no control over their own bodies.
- It implies that you (or adults in general) have the right to touch your child how you want it and when you want it.
- It tells them that family members cannot be abusers.
- It doesn’t take into account your child’s comfort zone.
- You run the risk of dismantling your natural and healthy sense of strange danger.
- Ignore the important and subtle cues your child is trying to tell you.
- Send the message that hugging (or physical contact in general) is the only way to show affection or appreciation for another person.
We understand that some of those points can be extreme. But, many of you would agree that when it comes to your children, that is not a risk you want to take.
What to do if a child does not want to hug you
Reading those rules is actually a lesson in affection and the fact that showing affection doesn’t always have to be physical. So the next time your child doesn’t want to hug someone or it’s you who was rejected, try this:
- Offer a ‘give me five’ or a handshake.
- Show them a photo or video of something that interests them.
- Talk to them and ask them questions.
- Play an instrument, game, or sport with them.
There are numerous ways to give and receive affection without the potential discomfort caused by physical interactions. We hope this helps you foster healthier child-adult relationships if you know a child who just isn’t comfortable with those family-friendly hugs or kisses.